Congratulations...

Its been three months and counting. I dont know how well Im doing. But you dont care and Im glad. Its over, thought it would last forever. I was taught my lesson and how. Well... Im doing okay, not great, but I know I'll manage. You promised, and it was a lie. Yes, a lie. No, it isnt anything else. There arent any excuses. Im done justifying for you, for myself. Reasons dont make sense anymore. It happened and its over now. Isnt this what I need to understand? Well I believe I do. I am not alone. Never was. I just believed in something that wasnt there. I usually do that. Im too nice, Isnt that what you always said? Funny. I am stupid.
I miss you and always will. No, it doesnt help. I believe I will get done with this. I will move on, wont I? Everyone does. I pray. I hope. Dont regret it. You'll suffer. I did too. I wish I could ask...what happened? But it isnt important. Not right now atleast. I wonder what it could've been, should've been. I know it wasnt meant to be. Im happier knowing that. Im happier without you, there isnt any fear now.
You are gone and its different. I like the change. Well congratulations to you for what today.
Happy Anniversary...:)

falling safely to the ground...

yet it hurts...I cant let go of this feeling. It's killing me. Its so empty, yet it makes you want to puke. Nothing seems right. Everything is annoying. Nothing matters, it doesnt even make sense. It makes you do stupid things. You seek attention. You seek help. You beg for help. I do. Nothing. Too proud to accept the pain, too weak to deal with it. I wait for it to pass. It will, wont it? Everything does pass. It might get boring after a while. I wish I'd be more interested. I want to react. It does matter. Ofcourse it does.
It didnt happen, the way he wanted it, when and how he wanted it. So it was a compromise. Compromises are wrong. Ofcourse letting go isnt. Thats easy. No, Im not angry, hurt...not anymore. I just dont feel anymore. I cant judge. I dont think its worthless waiting. Because Im not waiting. I dont know what to wait for. I'll smile, I'll be happy, I'll even cry if that helps. But let this be the only one. The last. I dont have the strength to deal with anymore. I cannot lose anymore.
Searching for you, hoping I dont see you, praying that I do. Felt so stupid. But its over. I did everything I'd decided I wouldnt do. I left alot behind, got some of you back, with me. I'd like to go back in time and fix things. I'd like to change. I'd like you back. Even if as a compromise...

Im done...

Im done. I cant deal with loss anymore. Its difficult to understand. There is too much at stake. Im at fault. I wont deny or even try to justify. I have no reasons. I have nothing. Im scared. Terrified. It cant be over. Not this. Please? Im not strong. I cannot deal with it. Im tired of facing my fears, tired of pretending to overcome them. Im tired of the sinking feeling. Its suffocating. Let this pass soon. Let it be over. Let us just be. The way it was. I am sorry. To everyone and anyone I've hurt in the slightest way possible. I have too many things I dont deserve. Thank you. But dont take this away.

Its been quite sometime... hasnt it? But i guess its important now, to see if I can still fill this up. Im waiting to move forward. Trying to believe that it was for the best. Everything. That im immoral and quite a bitch. Funny. I can laugh and cry and still not feel a thing. Its changing. Again. And im ready. I so am. Just dont expect me to be okay with it. Its too much of an illusion anyway. Tears flow... and I look at my dialled list. I redial the first number, comfort. I hang up. Helplessness. I stop myself from calling again. The sky. An escape. I turn away...

I wish people would just ask me things. I'll tell you, you know. This is a blog, and thats all it'll ever be. What I write, what you read. Slight difference. So whoever thinks Im really fucked up (because of the pattern of the blog), please just ask.
While Im at it. I'd like to mention, yesterday was nice. It wasnt an echo of the past and I dont think it was a glimpse of the future. It was just there. It was effortless. The weather, the steps (seating arrangement), urge for coffee and random conversations. I'd say its a beginning. Of another circle...:p

I wont say another word...

Its funny being written about. Someone somewhere is doubting your essence. Its a funny situation to judge. Its absurd to be judged. Anger. Remorse. I created it. Its my duty to destroy it. I dont know why I revealed what I shouldnt have. Desperation? Frustration? There is only regret now.
I didnt ask you for help. I didnt ask for fulfillment of your duty. I didnt want to be the subsitute for your boredom. I was a random person. And I guess I'll always be. I'd like to believe there was another reason. I dont want to find out. Im glad its over. Good, you have your distractions. Move on. It really doesnt matter anyway. Im going to believe it never did.
Found hope in strangers. Stared at the phone till my eyes hurt. Kept you away from the ugly bit. I regret it. All of it. Maybe I should have done the obvious.
Im sorry I have no reasons. No explanations. No justifications. No evidence.
I assumed neither was required. But then Im dumb, excuse me. I pray for all the above. I dont need to. Since it'll happen anyway.
I want to apologise, but guess I've already done that. I want to thank you, but that wont make a difference. I want to change things, that wont happen. I want to erase the last seven days and I want to relive them. I want you to leave. But I know I'll miss you.
I dont want you to move on. I dont want you to just let it be. I dont care if you tried hard enough. I did too. And none of this is my fault. I dont deserve this. And it isnt fair. And no I dont want anymore bullshit about life not being fair anyway.
It isnt a very nice feeling. This. I feel stupid. Foolish. Another month or so and you'll forget about it. Its too much to deal with, isnt it? Its so much better to stay away. Good decision. No one lost anything. I did. Even if it was mine for a moment. True or False. You ask. If I give you an answer, would it change anything?

BuTTerFly eFFect...

Im trying to decide how I feel. Apparently this blog page displays sadness. I wish I could go back in time and change a few things. Or maybe just go back in time. The past seems simpler. The present blurred. But its okay. I believe it'll be alright. Sometimes a drive in the car can evoke such memories. It makes you want to puke. Frustration has given way to acceptance. Acceptance shall give way to indifference. It isnt a circle, its a straight line.
I wonder what I want. I wonder how exactly i feel. Im trying hard to attract attention I dont want. I really dont. I know Im fooling myself, but its so much fun, I dont want to stop. I wake up with the sinking feeling, its there all day, and then we sleep. Reality, sinking feeling and I. What lovely company!
I seek comfort in the wrong places.
I want to walk till my feet are ready to fall off. I want to sit in a cafe and have coffee. I want to stand in the middle of nowhere and have chai from a plastic cup. I dont want to know what Im going to be doing next. I dont want food to eat. I want to wait for my phone to vibrate. I want to click random pictures. I want my butterfly effect.