yet it hurts...I cant let go of this feeling. It's killing me. Its so empty, yet it makes you want to puke. Nothing seems right. Everything is annoying. Nothing matters, it doesnt even make sense. It makes you do stupid things. You seek attention. You seek help. You beg for help. I do. Nothing. Too proud to accept the pain, too weak to deal with it. I wait for it to pass. It will, wont it? Everything does pass. It might get boring after a while. I wish I'd be more interested. I want to react. It does matter. Ofcourse it does.
It didnt happen, the way he wanted it, when and how he wanted it. So it was a compromise. Compromises are wrong. Ofcourse letting go isnt. Thats easy. No, Im not angry, hurt...not anymore. I just dont feel anymore. I cant judge. I dont think its worthless waiting. Because Im not waiting. I dont know what to wait for. I'll smile, I'll be happy, I'll even cry if that helps. But let this be the only one. The last. I dont have the strength to deal with anymore. I cannot lose anymore.
Searching for you, hoping I dont see you, praying that I do. Felt so stupid. But its over. I did everything I'd decided I wouldnt do. I left alot behind, got some of you back, with me. I'd like to go back in time and fix things. I'd like to change. I'd like you back. Even if as a compromise...
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You wont lose. I wont let you. You seem to have lost out to yourself than others. It doesnt matter. If you feel the pain. Its good in a way, it will wake you up. I guess the awakening has already begun. Your seem to be less deranged. Its just a fight with one part of you which is in denial. Which embodies the guilt predominantly. If you say that this is the last time you're doing this, this has to be your best attempt. It also means that this wont hurt/pain as much as others have. Cause by now, your defense mechanism has become strong. I guess you were right when you said we've always swayed in the direction you wanted it to. And I have been constant, "just" standing by your side. Like a I never really focused on "I want you to do this with me" and I never really cared about knowing the "unecessary" bit (according to you), guess thats why i see us in a situation ruled and dominated by external variables. There is turbulence. And for all I know, if I try to to exit, which i am already making a consicous effort at, it will just be so blah! It wont be no you. It wont be me. It wont be the reality. It wont be abstraction.
Apart from the meaning you refer to, a compromise could also mean settling of differences, which has to be done, and not just said. We're not doing something derogatory, as per my principles are concerned. I dont the foundation and know how well you abide by your principles.
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