Stuck!

Asking, requesting, pleading, begging. Am done. Am not going to sit and sulk. Let things happen. Maybe they were meant to be this way. Who am i to complain anyway? Wish it didnt matter so much. Indirect communication. Angry words, unexpressed emotions, lonely emotions. Oh its all a game, play it and win, or lose. Doesnt matter.You are alone anyway. Dont be unfair. Dont kill yourself over this. But aint i already dead? Am confused. This space feels strange. Is it a void? Why cant i hear anyone? Why cant i speak? I cant feel anything. My heart doesnt beat. Its cold and dead. There i can see it, blood splattered, warm blood, lying on the floor. I stare. Try picking it up. Change my mind and walk away. Lets give it what it deserves. I decide. Again.

Its time

Yes, finally am ready to admit and accept the ending. The end that occured long back, and was denied. Annoying. I detest accepting reality, or maybe understanding my illusion. Its funny. I dont understand myself. I am stuck between hating myself and denying my existence. I wonder if i am a horrible person. No this isnt an attempt at self pity, i have had enough of that. Change is what i require. I need. I want to change. My reality is waiting for me. My illusion is my friend. I wonder if there is a choice, i wonder if i need to choose. Familiarity is a stranger. I dont know myself anymore. I wait for them to hold me, comfort me. But they may not come. I hope. Its nice to fall back on something/someone. Please break my fall.

She smiled. Yes she did. And i cant explain how i feel. Am more than happy! Thank you! I wonder if i want anything else. No i dont. Thank you.

My plea

Lala Lala....Blah! Everything can be so pissing off! And it can be so alluring. Blah! Useless. I am living a useless life, and maybe enjoying it. Wait, am suppose to detest my useless life. Maybe i do. Self pity can kill you. I think so much about death. I wonder when i am going to die. I think i've been prepared for death, for quite sometime now. I really wish it comes soon, else i back out, like i usually do. I wonder what'll be like. Over rated, death i mean. Why cant i just be happy? Problem with everything; coffee too cold, weather too hot, am too fat, i wish he'd change, no money, blah! I wish i could stop complaining. I wish i could just be. Just be. Still. Feel like erasing this entire post, right this minute. I wont. I am trying to get over my wishes and fancies, you see. I am trying to be what i ought to be. What i am, is just too much to take. I need to receive appreciation, it keeps me going, i need to kill myself, metaphorically ofcourse, am too much of a coward to do it otherwise. Notice how i label myself, Ha! A sense of belonging. Too many demands. Thats what i do, i demand and command, and then sit and cry, waiting for comfort. The comfort not having come, go back to my dark ugly cocoon. Brilliant, i have life all planned. Oh! Well good luck to me then!