Stuck!

Asking, requesting, pleading, begging. Am done. Am not going to sit and sulk. Let things happen. Maybe they were meant to be this way. Who am i to complain anyway? Wish it didnt matter so much. Indirect communication. Angry words, unexpressed emotions, lonely emotions. Oh its all a game, play it and win, or lose. Doesnt matter.You are alone anyway. Dont be unfair. Dont kill yourself over this. But aint i already dead? Am confused. This space feels strange. Is it a void? Why cant i hear anyone? Why cant i speak? I cant feel anything. My heart doesnt beat. Its cold and dead. There i can see it, blood splattered, warm blood, lying on the floor. I stare. Try picking it up. Change my mind and walk away. Lets give it what it deserves. I decide. Again.

Its time

Yes, finally am ready to admit and accept the ending. The end that occured long back, and was denied. Annoying. I detest accepting reality, or maybe understanding my illusion. Its funny. I dont understand myself. I am stuck between hating myself and denying my existence. I wonder if i am a horrible person. No this isnt an attempt at self pity, i have had enough of that. Change is what i require. I need. I want to change. My reality is waiting for me. My illusion is my friend. I wonder if there is a choice, i wonder if i need to choose. Familiarity is a stranger. I dont know myself anymore. I wait for them to hold me, comfort me. But they may not come. I hope. Its nice to fall back on something/someone. Please break my fall.

She smiled. Yes she did. And i cant explain how i feel. Am more than happy! Thank you! I wonder if i want anything else. No i dont. Thank you.

My plea

Lala Lala....Blah! Everything can be so pissing off! And it can be so alluring. Blah! Useless. I am living a useless life, and maybe enjoying it. Wait, am suppose to detest my useless life. Maybe i do. Self pity can kill you. I think so much about death. I wonder when i am going to die. I think i've been prepared for death, for quite sometime now. I really wish it comes soon, else i back out, like i usually do. I wonder what'll be like. Over rated, death i mean. Why cant i just be happy? Problem with everything; coffee too cold, weather too hot, am too fat, i wish he'd change, no money, blah! I wish i could stop complaining. I wish i could just be. Just be. Still. Feel like erasing this entire post, right this minute. I wont. I am trying to get over my wishes and fancies, you see. I am trying to be what i ought to be. What i am, is just too much to take. I need to receive appreciation, it keeps me going, i need to kill myself, metaphorically ofcourse, am too much of a coward to do it otherwise. Notice how i label myself, Ha! A sense of belonging. Too many demands. Thats what i do, i demand and command, and then sit and cry, waiting for comfort. The comfort not having come, go back to my dark ugly cocoon. Brilliant, i have life all planned. Oh! Well good luck to me then!

I wonder what i did wrong. nothing. maybe. maybe i am wrong. just wrong as a person. Everytime i acknowledge myself, a rush of hate hits me, despair. Selfish rotten person. She saved me, her hand on my head, the cold, cold knife staring at me from underneath the blanket. Oh maybe that was suppose to be my end. Why did i back out? Cowardice? Could be. Vices seem to be innate in me. The cold knife promising relief, freedom, her warm hand providing it. No, this isnt a case of lesbians. Its infact a case of unconditional love, realised only when hatred is mocking me. I wish i had ended it then. Lured by the warm hands, seeking the promise of their comfort always. Death. My freedom. Maybe it isnt too late. Cold knife waiting. Call out to the warm touch. Empty.

they wait...

i want to write. i cannot, i just cannot. i cannot do anything. my body refuses to move. static. stiff fingers. pain. every action, every word, every thought hurts. its killing me. i cry. seek help. silently. it wont come, i know. but i wait. wait, silently, patiently. killing everything that's alive, slowly, silently. it leaves me, gradually. the process is fulfilling, interesting. its interesting to see yourself decaying, rotting. i smile, it reaches my dead eyes, vanishes; in a flash, like everything else. i cant stay anymore, i HAVE to leave. they are calling me, oh so loud, i can hear them, screaming, whispering. i have to go. they are pulling me, i dont want to go. hold me, please, dont let go. but i have to, need to. they want me there, need me there. they pull me away, it feels nice. to be dead.

dedicated to... me

I feel ugly. I feel the ugliness crawling up my legs, spreading slowly, gradually, engulfing me, suffocating me. Hate myself, i hate the incessant desire to keep everyone around me happy. A temporary feeling of bliss, that doesnt even depend on me, my actions, my thoughts, nothing! Its all them. Its all me. Blame Game. Who gets blamed. I. Who blames me? I do. Utterly stupid. Pangs of guilt. Guilt that could kill me. I drown in the pool of guilt and self pity. Its funny. She is a part of me. The part of me, that i love, with all that i have and more. It isnt fair. I dont see a reason to let go. She makes me happy. She makes me believe in myself. She makes me, me. I wont let go. I refuse to. I am not wrong. She is a friend. My friend. My companion. My wall. She is my strength and my weakness. Lets just be us. Lets just do what we truely want to. The right thing. For once, let go of everything that affects you. Make yourself happy. I didnt know true happiness untill sometime back, she is one of the people who makes it worth it. The feeling of bliss will not be forced to fade, it shall stay, for as long as it wants. I need to decide. I need to be, Me. The one i love, the one am proud of. The me, thats hidden, crawled up, running from the ugliness. I am tired of hiding. I crave to be let out. Imprisoned my self. Its time to set the imprisoned beautiful self free. I should kill myself in an instant, rather than dying everyday, every minute, every second. Withering away in a corner, in a dark, lonely corner. I let go...

Red wine... smoke... me...

The tall slender frame, beautiful bends, it stood, alone, content. Fingers intertwined, holding on, protecting it. White, ghostly white, it holds on, the red, blood red liquid flowing, still. Picturesque. Amidst the absence of skin and bones, pure soul, flowing. The slight opening inhales death, life. Its peaceful, for a while. Then it happens, the unexpected, the obvious. I laugh, uncontrollably, violent tears fall. Its over, before it started. I dance, every movement defying emotion. Emotionless. Oh this is heaven. Take me. I raise my arms, outstretched arms, veins bulging out, blood static. I fall to the floor. Cold hard floor. Warmth. Warmth never felt before. Comforting. Satisfying. The shattered frame lies, content. The smoke blowing away. Higher higher higher. I sink to the ground. Lower lower lower... engulfed in warmth, smoke, blood red liquid choking me.

incomplete...

He asked her to stop. she was everything he hated.everything he wanted. kohl smeared eyes revealing everything he should know, nothing that he wanted to. its terrifying being introduced to your own inadequacies. frightening to accept them.she was a mere spectator. silent. obdurate. he shut himself. red room. windowless. lifeless. cried to himself.kaivalya. distant. but wait, i need to live, i want to live, i want to....

words seeking freedom...

thoughts.dirt.words crying begging pleading for freedom.thoughts pushing their way out.jumbled ideas, complex emotions intermingled.unaware.we all wait. for a miracle?freedom?am here to impress.hate knows no limits.exciting.self inflicted pain.relief.unhealed wounds.ecstacy.i cry.unheard cries.escapism.freedom i seek.unknown plane.how does it matter? i run, stumble, fall, crawl, reach.dead.next step.free, free, freedom i seek.death i plead.funny.lets end it.now.stop.

thank you

just realised, i felt better after writing in here. firmly believe in thanking everything that helps in cutting negativity. the feeling of disgust has subsided. therefore thank you, to whoever is listening.

strangeness...

have an exam tomm, yes thats how i start my first post. exam! either way, should be studying right now, though i fail to understand: why. dont understand why one is asked to 'do' things, that one cant see any logic in. strangeness... i would like to have chocolate chip ice cream right now, or maybe prawns. have been having maggie every morning, at 3. snoopy (my 2 weeks old dog), was 'given away' by my dad, for insanely selfish reasons. disgust. cried. dont see any reason in crying anymore. grief seeks reasons. i wish i was more than this. i feel the void, wonder how one can feel emptiness. maybe if i try hard enough i can 'fill' it up with reasons, or maybe blow it away in smoke, my usual escape route. i am fighting with demons, i dont believe exist. strangeness.