I wish people would just ask me things. I'll tell you, you know. This is a blog, and thats all it'll ever be. What I write, what you read. Slight difference. So whoever thinks Im really fucked up (because of the pattern of the blog), please just ask.
While Im at it. I'd like to mention, yesterday was nice. It wasnt an echo of the past and I dont think it was a glimpse of the future. It was just there. It was effortless. The weather, the steps (seating arrangement), urge for coffee and random conversations. I'd say its a beginning. Of another circle...:p

I wont say another word...

Its funny being written about. Someone somewhere is doubting your essence. Its a funny situation to judge. Its absurd to be judged. Anger. Remorse. I created it. Its my duty to destroy it. I dont know why I revealed what I shouldnt have. Desperation? Frustration? There is only regret now.
I didnt ask you for help. I didnt ask for fulfillment of your duty. I didnt want to be the subsitute for your boredom. I was a random person. And I guess I'll always be. I'd like to believe there was another reason. I dont want to find out. Im glad its over. Good, you have your distractions. Move on. It really doesnt matter anyway. Im going to believe it never did.
Found hope in strangers. Stared at the phone till my eyes hurt. Kept you away from the ugly bit. I regret it. All of it. Maybe I should have done the obvious.
Im sorry I have no reasons. No explanations. No justifications. No evidence.
I assumed neither was required. But then Im dumb, excuse me. I pray for all the above. I dont need to. Since it'll happen anyway.
I want to apologise, but guess I've already done that. I want to thank you, but that wont make a difference. I want to change things, that wont happen. I want to erase the last seven days and I want to relive them. I want you to leave. But I know I'll miss you.
I dont want you to move on. I dont want you to just let it be. I dont care if you tried hard enough. I did too. And none of this is my fault. I dont deserve this. And it isnt fair. And no I dont want anymore bullshit about life not being fair anyway.
It isnt a very nice feeling. This. I feel stupid. Foolish. Another month or so and you'll forget about it. Its too much to deal with, isnt it? Its so much better to stay away. Good decision. No one lost anything. I did. Even if it was mine for a moment. True or False. You ask. If I give you an answer, would it change anything?

BuTTerFly eFFect...

Im trying to decide how I feel. Apparently this blog page displays sadness. I wish I could go back in time and change a few things. Or maybe just go back in time. The past seems simpler. The present blurred. But its okay. I believe it'll be alright. Sometimes a drive in the car can evoke such memories. It makes you want to puke. Frustration has given way to acceptance. Acceptance shall give way to indifference. It isnt a circle, its a straight line.
I wonder what I want. I wonder how exactly i feel. Im trying hard to attract attention I dont want. I really dont. I know Im fooling myself, but its so much fun, I dont want to stop. I wake up with the sinking feeling, its there all day, and then we sleep. Reality, sinking feeling and I. What lovely company!
I seek comfort in the wrong places.
I want to walk till my feet are ready to fall off. I want to sit in a cafe and have coffee. I want to stand in the middle of nowhere and have chai from a plastic cup. I dont want to know what Im going to be doing next. I dont want food to eat. I want to wait for my phone to vibrate. I want to click random pictures. I want my butterfly effect.

So its over...

Im back. I dont know why or how. But this is how its going to be now. Im back 'home'.
I havent given up, im just not fighting anymore. You think of writing something, you wonder how its going to sound, you wonder a little more about what you previously wondered. And then its over.
Someone said its better to know when its going to end rather than a sudden end, one leaves numerous wishes and aspirations behind. I disagree. But it doesnt matter anymore. I dont have either. I let them go before I stepped in.

I'd end it myself if i could. I dont want to. Lets see how long it lasts. Not long, I hope.
I wish it was unreal. I wish I could wake up. It didnt have to be this way, did it? I didnt know it'd be this bad. I didnt know I'd create such a mess. I am sorry if it makes any difference. This wasnt my intention.
An honest attempt. It was beautiful. It isnt anymore. I could desire to go back. But that'll be against the rules. I like rules, I know its a game, then.
Seven days and its over now. What if neither of it had happened. I can turn back time. I can, cant I? If I tried hard enough. I could.
Its dark, I cant see. There is too much light, its blinding. One more step and I'll fall. One more word, and you might understand. But are you listening? It doesnt matter, I constantly remind myself; it doesnt matter.
I wish it was a lie, I wish I was living a lie. Maybe I am. Maybe I dont exist. Its going to start again, isnt it?
There is no end. I am a fool. I wait and I wait. Its a conspiracy, Its never going to end. Its over though, for now.

But wait... wasnt I...shouldnt I...its too soon. I dont want to. I should. It'll be the right thing, wouldnt it?
Maybe somemore time? I wont fall. I wont cry. I wont ask for help.
I wont go, not yet. I want my goodbye.

4 days and counting. Its been interesting. Not exactly fun, though. Im not sure if im aware of the circumstances. 5:30 am, im wondering what to do, in tears. A 5yr old cheers me up, says i have a beautiful smile (i wasnt smiling). Shared tea, made by me! with some women who thought the tea was the best they'd had. *it wasnt very nice*. Got one thing done on the list *it'll be some task getting the possession*. Have lots more to do. Doesnt really matter where i am. I like it now. Fever, cough, sprained hand killing me *thought it was broken*, i wish my head would just fall off and go somewhere or atleast stop hurting! But its been some experience. I wonder how long i can do this, but then it doesnt matter. I'll manage. There were weak moment *loads*. Lost my notebook *painful*, sprained my hand *it really hurts for some reason*, cried to get my bag back *prick, i could've killed him* and some more. Im not sure why im doing this, not anymore, anyway. I guess nothing will work out. Did i expect something else? Maybe not. I just moved on. Trying to erase that part of me. A child's smile, the stray pup, making tea, sleeping in a cafe while pretending to read, SMSs *thank you*. Its been tiring, painful and exasperating. But im okay. I feel something. I know i do.

Dark. Dingy. Inviting. These streets dont push me away. They dont close in on me. They dont frighten me. There wont be any hand, waiting. I am not scared. I remind myself, to wait. Not give up. I wont. Sleepless nights. Immense pain. Spacing out. The urgency to distract myself. Stomach in knots, trembling hands, constant fiddling. One funny thing, and its me again. All me. Uncontrollable laughter. I am not going to lose myself, i cant. Have to find myself first. The pretence sheds itself. The emotions are real. No inhibitions. No fear of judgements. This is the most honest i can be. I am trying to recognise myself. Everyone goes through this, i pressume. I like my circumstance though. Reality is my friend now, we dine together. Its fun. We've struck a deal. The day i give up, i know what to do. Freedom was a distant dream, im living it now, only that it still feels like a dream.

...

I can feel it, mocking me. A piece of paper, hidden, crumpled, half torn, mocking me. I couldnt throw it away, i just couldnt. It has everything. You may call it my whims, fancies, either way. It was important. I wipe the tears, its easy to do that now. I dont feel anymore, i choose not to. It wasnt suppose to be a war. I was trying to work with you, not against you. But if this is what you want, this is what you'll get it. I might lose, but i wont give up. I repeatedly ask myself the question, what am i going to do? It isnt some stupid adventure trip. I can force myself to go back, I really can. But i chose to fight, let me not run away. Its terrible pleading, asking for help, it kills you. Thank you to the 'jobless' stranger for the help, you didnt need to. Sorry for the mess. I will never forgive myself for getting you into it. Maybe it doesnt make a difference to you. It does to me. Im alone and im aware. Havent i put up a good fight already? Are there more lessons to be learnt? Suffering makes you strong, you dont feel anymore. No, i dont have a plan. No, i dont want to go back. Its nice here, random people, traffic, music, anxiety, no place to go. I'll wait for you, patiently. Im not going to fight you anymore. Take me while im still alive...

So, its over. Feels nice. The last few days have been miserable. I wish i could go back and change everything. Its been horrid. But im fine. Guess everything's okay. A new fear has engulfed my illusion though, the fear of loss. Every sentence said is the possibility of a misconception, a misunderstanding. There is just too much at stake. When desires are fulfilled, its nice. There's something missing again. There is always something missing. Or i demand too much. I've prayed for everything to just end. Simply. Tears come easily, a bit too easily. Annoying. Im not happy. And im not going to pretend to be. But sometimes i can be, dont please dont condition it then. i was happy, really happy. Dumbfounded maybe, but very happy. The above post doesnt make sense, but then alot of things dont. Its my first post of the year. My notebook hasnt been copied yet. Is there a need, maybe not. I shouldnt decide everything, all the time. Thank you to everyone who makes this worthwhile, i hope you know who you are. Whether its the backseat of a car, or baked cakes, or bhola prasad, or a game of cards, it was all beautiful. It was a reminder of what things were and should be. Tears dont mean anything, im not sure if laughter does either. I wish i understood something about moments, but im glad i dont. I would condition that as well. Im not horrible, i dont have random mood swings, especially on my birthday, one can speak to me when im pissed, i wont snap. This isnt a justification, its just a thought. How mean can i be? Slightly random, incomprehensibel, but this said everything i wanted to.